old v new

own v know
win v play
plan v do
save v spend
wait v go
subtle v honest
fear v live
love v respect
happy v bliss
protect v enjoy
see v create

application for closure

little

so many times i've fallen, and called a name
i believed in once, only to find nothing
(just like before, probably)
i've always put all of my eggs
into flimsy baskets
thinking that the dreams i weave around them
will be strong enough to hold the dozens
of realities i've held onto through the years
and here i am
a little born, a little died
in spite of and because of it all

dear self,

go back to bed.

seriously, what are you doing here?

when i woke up

you were the first thing i thought of,
and how you weren't there

i was ok with it

there are going to be a lot of mornings like this
in the near future

today, i

set up a meeting for getting scooter parking

set up mail forwarding

paid off the $10 my doctor forgot to charge me last time i went

researched internet options, both cafe and in-house, as well as thai options

sent my (borrowed) grandcentral phone number to my apartment manager to set me up on the gate system

changed my billing address and the address in my work system

ordered new dishes and silverware

got new towels and showermat...and suspension rod...

feeling pretty accomplished!

if

if we're not careful
the impressions we made
will leave us alone
will just slowly fade
and if this is love
it would truly be tragic
for such a feeling
to just pass away

biryani

no pictures, because this got scarfed:

1 T coconut oil
1/2" ginger root, shredded/diced
2 green onions, chopped
3 small cardamom pods
4 cloves
1 2/3 c frozen peas
1 t curry powder
1/4 t ground cinnamon
2 T raisins
2 c rice cooked with saffron (probably 1 tsp, my was pre-saffron ed from rainbow)
salt to taste (i used probably 1/2 t salt)

toast the ginger root, cardamom pods, and cloves in the coconut oil over medium heat. add peas, curry powder, and cinnamon, mix well. add remaining ingredients, mix well.

serves 2:
365 calories, 7g fat, 44 carb (10g sugars, 4 fiber), 9g protein

i think the difference

between a good blogger and me is that a good blogger updates whenever they think something is interesting, and i update when i remember.

my mom is coming to visit this weekend. i can't remember if she likes museums, but i hope she does because it's supposed to rain the whole time and i'd feel bad if all we did all weekend was play wii. i've been told the YSL exhibit at the de Young is good...i need to remember to tell her to pack for rain.

and now, in the food department:

i've been craving comfort food. probably because of all the drab days and rain--my body is trying its best to put on 20 pounds and hibernate until summer. comfort food for me is all over the place, but often has these things in common: carbs, oil, strongly spiced, and warm. for instance, piroshki. nothing sounds more amazing than donut dough wrapped around peppery cabbage or carmelized onions and mushrooms or just plain salty mashed potatoes. and then, falafel. chickpeas and fava beans (mmm, fava) turned into little fried balls of goodness, dipped in galicky hummus and topped with minty cucumber yogurt sauce in a pita. or, there's tonights dinner: lentils and chickpeas, rehydrated in chai tea, cooked with coconut oil, veggie broth, spinach, and onions, and served with a light garam biryani with raisins and green peas.

i'm making myself hungry.

in other news, i guess i have baby orchids? the lady that waters our corporate plants was very very excited to see that my orchid has two babies starting on it. she cooed and ahhed over it, and told me that i need to plant the babies in about a month, that she would bring me a new pot to put my rootbound orchid in, and to water them with warm water. amazing!

if only it would stay as nice as it is *right now* for the rest of the weekend. that would be good.

i'm of the school of thought

that the only sexy emotion is sadness...

tastes like

i can't help but remember all those times
you died in my dreams before me
and i woke up crying again
it took quite a while to
replace your salty kiss with
a someone who wouldn't kill me,
just sometimes i think about
how we never talked and
never had friends and now
i'm a happier person, i suppose,
for leaving you behind when you
walked away again
but your haunting tender and
how i know you won't forget me
always bring you back to mind,
for some reason.

chocolate stout cake with irish cream frosting

not pretty because i frosted it right out of the oven (i was late-ish!), so no picture, but oh. and the frosting? mmmm....i have a boyfriend request to make him a bowl of just frosting. *that's* how good. happy birthday, ali. :-)

it's midnight, so i just want to remind myself of a couple things i want to continue in cake-making:

1. sour cream
2. alcoholic beverages

i think those pretty much make it.

he looked at you

he thought you were more beautiful once,

and i'll never forgive you for it
we've both lived lifetimes since
but i've never forgotten
i'll never be that lucky child
with money and friends, everything
i yearned for for years before you,
this was just the latest burn
and while he sleeps, i wonder if
he dreams of me or dreams of you
i should've moved on years ago
but i still have yet to go, you know
he looked at you,
and thought you were more beautiful once,
and i've never forgotten,
you know.

things i hate

1. GPS - people who don't know where they're going, not paying attention to the road, instead paying attention to an animated screen on their dashboard that talks to them.

2. I'm a PC ads in Embarcadero station - a poorly marketed campaign (san francisco? really? home of Apple?) featuring people i've never heard of whose work has nothing to do with computers.

3. Whiny vendors - seriously.

4. Blood blisters

5. Bowling

red cheek rant

san francisco winters are amazing. as is honey-oatmeal vodka. sometimes, when there isn't music playing, i feel unsettled and anxious. this is why i spent way over an hour today making sure that all of my songs had cover art. i am also excited to start electroforming. i theoretically have all i need to do my first run--a three day endevour. at this point, i need to drink some water and forget how wonderful it feels to be ever-so-slightly drunk and at home lounging about with the man i adore in spite of (and sometimes because of) his differing logics.

sometimes your cheeks are so warm, your arms and feet get cold and you need to put on a sweater.

i made me a beard

inspired by i made you a beard's etsy shop, i made a felt beard! looks a bit like the groundskeeper willie's, from The Simpsons.

and then posed sexily in it. of course.

i showed a picture of it to my boss. her response was, "you're weird. what's the significance of the beard? am i just out of touch?" my boss is awesome.

the oatmeal honey vodka and the gin are both amazing. homemade gin, however, gives you crazy dreams.

the other night, after testing it out, i had a dream that i was an alien visiting earth. because i was an alien, i didn't have a soul (or at least, not a typical earth soul), so all these ghosts started following me and were trying to possess me. i wasn't sure if they could, but i didn't want to find out, so i got a spray bottle and filled it with water. i blessed it with a catholic blessing to make it holy water, and would spritz it at the ghosts. they would retreat a bit after being spritzed. and then i woke up.

elixors

finally got it together, and started the infusions!

after reading this post on how to make gin, i got really excited...bought two 1.75 L bottles of Smirnoff and filtered it 8 times in my giant brita (which had just been gathering dust when we realized how not bad our tap water is). at this point, it had been filtered 11 times--more than significantly more expensive vodkas.

the first bottle is a giant fish. mic has claimed him, so currently all he contains is vodka.

the second bottle will be my gin.

+


= GIN

then comes the honey oatmeal vodka:

the vanilla bean:

the xochitl (chocolate chili):

the cinnamon nutmeg, and the honey thyme (not pictured because i did the cinnamon before and the honey thyme--it's kindof ugly).

so excited!

dvorak

so i’ve taken it upon myself to learn the dvorak keyboard…so far, so good! getting used to typing this way is definitely going to take some time, not unlike remembering to take my calcium with meals.

inert

i wish i had some sort of idea or plan for how to improve my life. instead, i’m here in middleland, with nothing officially wrong but just as much right. how did i go from so much potential to so much nothing? when do i get over the inertia?

why i'll never be political

now, to start off, i will always be opinionated. i generally am able to form my own opinion about something within 10 minutes of being introduced to it. if i don't form an opinion, maybe it didn't strike me as important.

but take gun control. i believe guns should be controlled: registered, waited for, not given to people with bad histories or mental disorders, potentially not allowed within certain overcrowded cities, such as my own. (i couldn't give a shit about places with low population density.) but, people on the other side? i am afraid of them. no gun control? why? what do you want to do with your guns that you aren't willing to register them? do you really believe that everyone has the right to bear arms? seriously, everyone?

peta, too. yes, i'm liberal, but i don't believe animals have any more rights than unborn babies. and that's the end of that. anyone that argues that animals have the right to life is just as frightening to me as someone that pickets an abortion clinic. i'm not anti-meat, i just feel that the meat generally consumed is horrible for you. cows aren't cornivores. plus, shit, all those hormones...if most cows are hormonally imbalanced, why are we so surprised that zoloft makes record sales every year? or that girls are maturing before they hit double digits? the animals that are probably best for us are the ones that we deem too cute to eat: deer, rabbits, all the wild game that has lived full life and eaten food based on its pre-programmed diet. of course, that's not commercially sound, we'd wipe them out to fill our safeways, and how dare i suggest that bunnies could be food?

stupid politics.

day eleven

and i'm off.

me and these cleanse things, i guess i just don't have the fortitude. i was just the wrong combination of uncomfortable and bored. i made it ten days, but today i was feeling so weak--almost passed out on the train to work! and i went to work, stared at the computer screen, then got a protein drink from a coworker. my body literally tingled as i drank it...crazy.

for dinner, i knarfed down a plate of asparagus and brussel sprouts, with pepper. the belly is gurgling like a kitty purrs when you scratch behind its ears.

i definitely lost some weight, possibly as much as 10 pounds (but i won't know that until i weigh myself). i'm actually excited to start going to the gym now, to tone up and drop a few more pounds: pre-boyfriend body, here i come!

on being little

i remember my first day of "school." recess. wandering alone in the woods on my own while the other kids played tag. i used to imagine that i had super powers, and climb through the mossy forest. i'd decided on super smell as my power, which makes no sense but i don't think i wanted to be too haughty about my super power choices. it was better than trying to prove to people that i'd make a good friend--i'd repeatedly been handed the ken doll when i asked to play barbies. i have nothing against ken, but i knew they did, and i didn't like the feelings of rejection. i eventually made friends: the girl who used to give me the ken doll, her mom yelled at her for being mean to me, it must've been a fierce yelling because after that she acted like i was her best friend. it's hard to trust someone after all that, though.

i went through another first day of school, 4 years later when i decided i wanted to go to public school instead. i wandered through the soccer field, kindof looking for four leaf clovers, trying to make my mind up on what i wanted to do. i latched onto two girls who seemed lonely too, two days later they were best friends and told me at lunchtime that they would like me to sit with other people. another girl took pity on me, sitting alone at lunch, and told me i could sit with her. but only every other day, so i wouldn't be alone, and on the off days she told me i should try to find myself some friends.

i was never popular, and even when i had friends i was never sure if i was well liked. i didn't stop caring until my freshman year of high school, when my dad passed away and i was too shattered to be insecure. after that, i barely remember what people thought of me. interacting with people i didn't know was hard, and often too painful for what i got out of it. i was told stories, sometimes i was a lesbian after some guy's girlfriend, sometimes i was the weird girl that fell asleep in class all the time, mostly nobody knew.

i was walking from work today to the grocery store. not much has changed, really, i still feel safer alone. there's a bit of euphoria in knowing that you're the only person you have to please at that moment, that you can be as thrilled as you want at the strangely warm january twilight, entertained by the path that the stoplights and crosswalks have laid out for you, relieved that the humanity around you can be reduced to mere obstacles, never having to know what they think of you.

day 5

one week in on the baking soda / apple cider vinegar hair washing, and i’m a believer. my hair has never been this shiny, ever. and while everyone else’s hair is frizzy from the cold, mine is super smooth. i have a bottle of apple cider vinegar in the back of the fridge now, infusing with sage (which is supposed to darken your hair and offset the lightening effects of baking soda).

i also finally made soap last night! well, not really MADE-made, but melted a hunk of soap and scented it myself. right now, it’s just covering the base of a glass loaf pan, need to go home and cut it into usable pieces. it’s goat’s milk soap infused with sage!—in keeping with the whole sage obsession. i used it last night, and my skin feels super soft, and has a slight sheen to it.

as i have more laundry to do soon, i’m going to need to try out DIY dryer sheets. i really want to make my laundry smell like cedar, and the detergent i made just doesn’t scent it strong enough (or at all, really). as vinegar is supposed to be a fabric softener, i’m thinking i’ll infuse some white vinegar with the cedar essential oil i got, and make my own flannel dryer sheets.

also excited about the idea of using stevia in baking, once i’m eating again. (day 5…am i seriously going another 16 days?)

i seriously felt like i was going to die yesterday. aches, shakes, and nausea are not my idea of a good time. they like to call this a “healing crisis.” not sure about that, but whatever. i went home a little early and took a long hot bath with eEpsom salts and chamomile, and felt 1000x better afterwards.

today i feel very clear, maybe a little light-headed. i’m not so hungry, but i do really well without “food.” when i tried (and failed) the master cleanse, the big issue was not chewing anything; suspect that’s going to be an issue again eventually. but i’ll be getting gum when i get to that point. right now, just trying to get a good veggie mix for soups is the important part.

and today i actually go to rainbow for teeccino, beets, sage, and goat’s milk soap.

zucchini basil soup?

fail.

ick.

at least i'm not very hungry after eating it...

ick.

day one

i think the light-headed goes away after a couple of days. i'm making broccoli onion soup right now and am way too excited....

journey into hippiedom

today i washed my hair with baking soda and apple cider vinegar. the reasons for doing this (found via angry chicken) make tons of sense to me, and my hair seems to be taking to it quite quickly:


i'm trying to figure out how to streamline it now, and also planning on infusing the apple cider vinegar with sage and maybe vanilla bean...

also may wind up "making" my own soap.

hey, gotta keep myself busy somehow while i'm not really eating. t-minus 2 days until detox.